“To Do” List

I was totally going to be the PTO lady. I dreamed of being the class mom. Ok maybe I didn’t exactly dream about it but it was definitely one of those things that was on my “to do” list. I’d even go so far as to say that it bothered me, as a working mom, that I couldn’t do that sort of thing. So as a stay-at-home mom, I was excited to take on those many involved mommy roles.

Sometimes being a stay at home mom with a “to do” list reminds me of a teacher being home for the summer. Or an employed person with a staycation ahead. You have so very many ambitions for what you will accomplish. And then life comes and sits on that list.

My excuse was that Drew was in preschool, I have time to settle into this life before becoming super class mom. Now that Drew is in kindergarten, it’s game time. It’s time to step up to the plate. It’s time to help with the book fair, participate in disability week, and organize the class parties. I find myself shrinking into the back of the crowd, hoping no one will volunteer me for the job. What happened?!?!

I’ll tell you what happened…life came and sat on my “to do” list. I have three little people that eat up all my energy, I have a husband that’s gone more than he’s here and I have mounds of work around the house that I don’t ever seem to catch up on. The thought of adding even the smallest extra thing to my load is enough to push me to the point of tears curled up in the fetal position…which isn’t good for anyone, least of all me.

So now here comes the time where I become the self-loathing person I am. What the heck is wrong with me that I can’t a) get my life together so pitching in at school doesn’t become the piece of hay that broke the camel’s back or b) deal with the fact that I’m a self-absorbed person that is too wrapped up in what I’m going through to actually give back to anyone or anything, least of all my son and his education! And then the bigger issue of self-hatred where I blame the fact that I had three children and none of them get all of me because I’m too crazed. So instead of being fully dedicated to Drew’s education, I’m too consumed with all the mundane details of our day in a completely unnatural and not beneficial way. Doh!

I guess maybe I’ll just have to put this goal on my future “to do” list, which I’m sure will gather priority with each passing kid…yeah sure. By the time Noah is in kindergarten I’ll be the PTO president or something. Finally a benefit to being the third child!!!!