I am currently in the cruxes of the Jewish New Year, in between the actual New Year and day of atonement (a.k.a. the day I become the most miserable human being in the world because I am without food and COFFEE all day). So because of this, I got thinking about what are my sins and how I can improve from last year. I certainly have plenty of things I do that I am not proud of, but I frequently chalk it up to trying to be a better person the following year. And it’s not that I couldn’t be a better person, it’s that this year I wanted something tangible and measurable to work on…or more concrete a focus.
I decided that I need to work on my anger towards my husband…GASP!!! It’s not that I need to be LESS angry that his version of “take the garbage out” only includes collecting the upstairs garbage a quarter of the time. Nor is it that he is the King of the space cadets. It’s my attitude about his absence from our home.
I knew when he accepted this job, I knew it in the absolute bottom of my gut in a way that made me insanely queezy, that this would me the end of life as I knew it. He worked so close to home that I was able to occasionally have lunch with him, he was home at a reasonable hour, etc. And it’s not so much that he’s not around like that, which he’s not, it’s that when he’s gone…he’s GONE!
He doesn’t call around lunch to say “hey, what’s up?” He doesn’t text, “I hope Drew’s first day of enrichment went well.” It’s not because he’s heartless and doesn’t care, he is just so busy and so engaged that he doesn’t have a second. I intellectually want his job to provide that for him. I also have ENORMOUS wants (or “needs” as I like to think of it) that I would like his career to provide for. But I too frequently feel like I’m on a dessert island with these kids because he’s MIA.
People could be on worse dessert islands!! My mom is constantly here helping. My kids are participating in amazing activities every day. It could be WAY worse! But I signed up for this gig with my partner in crime and he’s no where to be found, and it urks me. To make matters worse, the kids yearn for him, jump for joy the minute he’s around and prefer him in a way that makes all the abuse I go through with them hurt even more!
This is my current lot. And I have two choices – either spend my days grumpy about it and possibly let it damage my relationship with my husband. Or I can accept that I have this awesome opportunity to spend each day with my kids – even if it means that I’m harassed, wrist deep in poop and under appreciated. I can put my happy face on when Adam walks in the door WAY too late, gets on the computer the minute the kids go to bed and reaches for his phone while I’m mid-sentence. Or I could not and walk around upset about it all the time.
So this new year, I vow to be a happier wife and mom because once again…this is as good as it gets.