The Circle of Life

Sometimes I feel like life is a foggy, surreal dream. The sleep deprivation and craze of waking hours doesn’t help the situation. But the largest feeling is that I just can’t believe this is my life, that I am here doing this.

I thought I was going to stay fifteen forever. On the cusp of life really starting. And somehow driving, going off to college, being able to legally drink, etc. etc. all happened in a blink of an eye. Low and behold I am here – 32 years old, three kids and driving a minivan. I feel like someone slipped me something in college, all these years fast forwarded and now I’m going through life not sure if I’m living it or watching it in a movie.

I can’t believe my first born started kindergarten today. I can’t believe it because I can’t believe I’m married, that I have been pregnant three times and now I’m in the full blown stage of parenting. I blinked and grew up in a second. For so long I was in the world of wanting to be older, wanting less limitations and more responsibility. And now I have all the responsibility in the world, including having a school age child. How did that happen?

In my life I have watched the generations shift – my grandparents becoming the great-grandparents, my parents the grandparents and me the parent. Clearly life is supposed to keep going in that direction but seeing us all in these roles seems like a cheesy episode of 90210 where they artificially age everyone. I couldn’t have dreamed up a better situation for this transition to becoming an adult, but it still seems so impossible to believe that the years have progressed and we are all where we are.

At this speed, I’ll be the grandparent before I know it. I don’t know how in this insane, fast pace life to slow things down, to stop and smell the roses. I know I will be watching the mother of toddlers someday longingly remembering all the good parts of this stage. I’m going to look back on the first days of school with fond memories and not remember the crazy, anxiety filled days prior. And I’m afraid that those slower days with grown children and less action are going to be when I wake up and finally feel like I’m living in the moment. In some ways it will feel like I’m on the opposite end of being fifteen on the cusp of it all. And that makes me sad.