There’s something about when I turn off the lights and it’s quiet in the house that makes my husband traveling extra hard. It’s not that I’m living in the 50s where I need my man to protect me to feel safe. It’s something about having three kids and knowing I’m the only adult.
I spend a lot of the day caring for my three little monsters without any major assistance. That’s not completely true since I do spend a lot of time with my mom or passing one of them off to a variety of activities. But the fact that there are times that I am responsible for three kids during the daytime hours is a concept I am able to avoid being face to face with while the sun is still shining. There’s just something about the dark, quiet house that screams at me reminding me that I am the only one caring for these amazing little people.
I think the worse part of it all for me is that I’m outnumbered. And this is a frequent problem regardless of the circumstance. Heck, I’m outnumbered even when I’m with Adam! The fact that I literally don’t feel like I could keep them safe in the face of an emergency with all my super mom powers urks me. It’s almost as if I’m reminded of Sophie’s Choice and the mom only being able to save one child.
I feel pretty confident that I would walk across water, lift a car or take a bullet for these kids but what if it solely came to rounding up the troops and finding a safe haven? I can’t even manage to get us all out of the house into our minivan in the morning without several trips, threats and all the stamina I got.
The concept of having three children five and under is hard. It’s hard on so many levels but the largest being that they are still not independent AT ALL. The mornings are so hard because each of them has several things that I need to do, or help them do, in order for them to make it out the door. I am one person but I need to brush teeth, wipe butts, serve milk, tie shoes, bottle feed, etc. etc. All while holding a baby, nursing a child who woke up on the wrong side of the bed and getting myself situated.
Some day my kids won’t even want my advice, let alone me to get them dressed, feed them or wipe their butts (phew!). And I’ll be all…blog, blog, life sucks without kids needing you, blog, blog, why did my kids grow up so fast and become independent?! And I’ll feel all that very strongly, I know it. But sometimes the enormity of being the only one in this house capable of the least of important things, let alone the most important things like keeping them safe, is hard to take. Especially with Adam gone.