More and more I’m finding Noah to look (and frighteningly act) like Drew. Maybe it’s all of the hand me downs he’s been sporting. Maybe it’s because he’s my second boy so it’s only natural I compare them. Whatever it is, it’s taking me on a major trip down memory lane.
I’ve been dusting off some oldies but goodies of Drew’s. So many of those emotions in the beginning months of motherhood seem to be surging back. I can’t help but relish in the fact that I was so uncomfortable with so many of the basic things that come with caring for an infant and now I’m so much more confident in my abilities. In fact, the concept of an infant being hard baffles me. Try spending time with a defiant toddler and tell me what’s really hard. Those of you with teenagers would probably make the same challenge.
My whole life the only thing I ever wanted was to be a mommy. My family still teases me about insisting on playing “baby in tummy” all the time. When Drew came, it was the first time I experienced some of the mixed emotions of motherhood. I loved him for the first moment I saw him (heck, I loved him from the first moment he was in my belly), but there were times that I struggled with the life change of motherhood. Then started the spiral of self-doubt, disappointment with myself and constant feelings of inadequacy. For a perfectionist, this can be hard to swallow.
Years later, three children under my belt (literally), I realize that those feelings were only the tip of the iceberg. As a mom, you are constantly worrying that you aren’t doing enough and doing well enough by your children. And that love that I felt from the beginning with Drew, has only grown to be more intense and complex.
As I look at my new infant, so fresh and under-developed. I can’t help but feel so overwhelmed and excited for the years ahead. As he starts to fill out Drew’s clothes more and more, he seems to become more a unique version of himself. Drew rolled over at a mere ten weeks old. Noah, who is nineteen weeks, is frustrated and struggling to meet that milestone. I’m so happy to sit front row and watch him turn into this one of a kind little boy. Even if that one of a kind little boy looks a lot like my other one of a kind crazy kid.