December 14, 2012

The disclaimer is that I am pregnant and my hormones are a wreck but it doesn’t change the fact that what happened in Connecticut this morning was a horrific tragedy. It’s hard to be compassionate and open to the information without losing yourself in the tragedy.

Columbine was one of the most tragic events I can think of in my life. I was a senior in high school at the time and it effected me in a personal way. Since then, I have worked very hard in avoiding these types of stories. Not because I don’t have a sensitivity for the people immediately effected. Rather, I can’t seem to separate myself enough from the circumstance that I fall a part.

It brings me back to Titanic, when I was a highly hormonal teenage girl who balled her eyes out in the movie theater at the end of the blockbuster. The person I become when I let sadness in is such a mess that I work on keeping a shield up to protect myself from her. In my older years I avoid any form of entertainment (movies or books) that might invoke those feelings. I just don’t like going there.

There’s something about having a pre-kindergarten child and being almost 38 weeks pregnant that made it impossible for this disaster to not penetrate that shield. My innocent four year old has no survival skills, cannot even tie his shoes and is so vulnerable. The thought that there could possibly be a human being with such a cold heart, such mental illness, so out of touch with reality and target innocent children took me to a place that I never want to go again.

I realize how selfish I sound given that I have the choice to mentally go there and there are people that are forced to deal with this tragedy but had no choices. Words cannot properly thank whoever is responsible for keeping my children healthy and safe – G-d, luck, fate, etc. And unfortunately I realize that there is no guarantee in life that ones children will stay healthy and safe. But for now, all I can do is feel so unbelievably grateful, so blessed for my wonderful children who drive me crazy on an hourly basis and so heartbroken for those who have suffered the ultimate loss.

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