Recently I watched “What to Expect When Expecting” where there are two pregnant ladies – one that everything is just great for and the other who is walking around miserable…well pretty much me. Let me give the disclaimer that I realize what I am doing by carrying a human being in my body is in fact amazing and my ailments are minor in the scheme of things but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to bitch and moan (at least on my blog).
I have mentioned this before, I have never been someone that has loved pregnancy. I have not felt the glow or the thrill of my blossoming body or any the other jazz that some pregnant people walk around with. Rather, I am grumpy. I love food and eating but my whole pregnancy as been a tennis game of nausea or indigestion. I hurt everywhere. I discovered my lovely sciatic nerve, along with constant lower back pain, hip discomfort and occasionally neck pain from distorting my body to avoid all the other aforementioned pain. There is nothing pretty about how I feel, how large I have become or anything else right now.
At the wedding over the weekend there was someone who was further along than me with her first pregnancy. She had a bounce in her step that clearly illustrated her excitement and happiness with her current state. Throughout the weekend I was perpetually dashing to the bathroom, sitting down from the pain of standing up, standing up from the pain of sitting down and she was…smiling. At one point I saw her husband rest his hand with glee on her teeny tiny bump of baby. They both just sat there so darn happy.
In some ways this weekend was nice because it was the first time that Adam and I realized that I was actually pregnant. Sounds kinda silly when I say that the symptoms have been top of mind. Through the logistics of me getting to my doctors appointments, the challenges of me having to make accommodations for my current condition (not carry the kids up the stairs or something), and the times I just feel too nasty to do anything, we haven’t had a second to just bask in the fact that I’m pregnant.
Maybe that’s what was the difference between the girl I mentioned and me. She is marinating in the excitement over having her first child and all that comes with that ahead. I’m too busy being put out by this slowing my life down to think about the big picture. And then when I even start to think of the big picture, the anxiety of what my life will be like with three children sets in. So instead I spend way too much time being annoyed with my discomfort, scared of the future and not doing anything that resembles glowing.
As much as I say that I’m going to try and work on it, I think at this stage of the game (27 weeks) – it is what it is. So instead I’m going to resent this girl for appearing to not have an ailment in the world. And I’m just gonna feel a little sorry for myself emotionally but intellectually remember that I am so blessed and grateful for these kiddos.