The Calm Before the Storm

July 26, 2012

As I am planning our upcoming fall schedule, it’s almost as if the world ends in my mind come January. Although there’s some indifference about when “Tres” (as we endearingly are calling the third child) will enter the world, it’s approximately around January. My brain is unable to grow to the point of comprehension of three children at three different stages of life with a whole bunch of needs.

When I was pregnant with Drew, it was hard for me to imagine what my life would be like. I had no idea what life would look like with a baby in tow. I couldn’t anticipate what a baby would be like, what would become of my schedule and how I would change. And with time it all fell into place. Eventually Drew and I learned what we needed from each other. We fell into a rhythm and life became a new sort of normal.

Then I got pregnant with Gabby. It was hard to comprehend how to care for two children at one time. There was a definite learning curve. And in some ways I thought it took me longer to get into a groove because I had work as a getaway. So there was a substantial amount of time when the mere thought of being alone with the two of them gave me anxiety. Once again, though, we eventually learned what we needed from each other and fell into a rhythm. Life soon became a new sort of normal.

So I get it, at some point we will fall into a rhythm. And at some point there will be a new sort of normal that we will come to understand. But those months before we have that rhythm, those months before life becomes some new sort of normal are haunting me! It’s not like I didn’t know this going into it but I kept focusing on the long term family we are creating. I was thinking of the fun my kids will have when they can play with each other. I was thinking about how great it will be for Adam and I as we grow older. I wasn’t thinking about life after January, per se.

Adam keeps reminding me that if I spend these months before the baby comes anxiety ridden and worried, I’m making the pain of the months after January last longer. That once January comes, it will indeed be hard. So wasting the “calm before the storm” time worried about it is an effort in futility. I get that, but instead its forcing me to try and block out the time after January.

Some day when “Tres” is old enough to read my blogs and hear how I felt in preparation to their arrival, I hope “it” will understand that it has nothing to do with us not wanting “it.” Rather my own insecurities in myself and my abilities. I want to be the best mom I can be to “Tres,” but also to Drew and Gabby. And right now I’m feeling a tad uncertain that I’ll be able to pull it off.

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