After months of reflection, bouncing ideas around, balancing budgets, I was relieved to finally announce to my boss that I had made the decision to stay home and raise my kids. I thought that once I had come clean with my plans that I would be left with only relief and excitement. I never quite anticipated the angst that I am currently going through.
One by one I have been reaching out to coworker/friends and explaining my decision to leave the company. And with each experience, although very encouraging and supportive, I feel more and more sad. The relationships I have developed with these people, the respect that they have for me as a strong employee and aspiring coworker is so evident with each conversation I have. And although everyone understands my decision, there is a sadness with the thought of life without me there.
Those sentiments are weighing on me. I think about opportunities in the company, things I worked for, places I had hoped of going with the company and now that’s all gone. Recently I have been thinking back to my final interview when I sat in the waiting room tracing the company’s logo on my leg and pondering if my life would take me to work for this company. When I got the job, I felt such a sense of accomplishment, I felt such pride in getting exactly what I wanted. And once again I am getting what I want, staying home with my kids. It’s still hard to reflect on my previous feelings.
And as I “break up” with each of my colleagues, I’m sometimes more overwhelmed with the sadness than the excitement of what’s to come. I know I am making the right decision, of course I have my doubts and concerns, but I know that I will be more sad in the long run not spending the time with my kids. I know that my kids need more of me than I am able to give them as a working mom. I know that I need more out of my life than being a crazed over-extended person. And knowing all this, why am I still left with an ache in my heart?