When you take a risk, there’s anxiety involved. When you take a risk and you have two small children whose well-being depends on your stability, there’s intense fear involved. How does that translate when that risk is also a dream come true? How does that translate when you are completely disrupting the world that those children live in?
Wednesday, May 11 I took a risk. Wednesday, May 11 I took a leap of faith. The anxiety, intense fear I have by even typing these words is excruciating. Wednesday, May 11 I quit my job. I quit my job because I’m missing too much of my children’s lives. I quit my job because the speed at which I must move in order to maintain my life, is too much for me to endure. I quit my job because Gabby was mistreated at her first daycare (read about that here). I quit my job because Drew is having behavioral problems at school. I quit my job because the depression I go through on Monday is unbearable. I quit my job because my children are going to be all grown up and have lives of their own in two seconds. This is the time I have now. I walked away from a blossoming career. I walked away from a job that I was so good at. I walked away from something that gave me confidence as an individual.
Since I was very young, at least high school, I was on a path for success. I understood that the grades I got affected the college I got into. I understood that how well I did in college would help dictate what sort of job I would have. I understood that the more I applied myself in my career, the more praise and validation I would receive. And through it all, I never once doubted that I wanted to be a mom. I didn’t realize as I was aspiring to climb the corporate ladder that at some point I would have to choose. Don’t get me wrong, there was a large part of me that always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I guess I just didn’t realize that there was an equally large part of me that wanted to conquer the business world one stair at time. For almost three years I convinced myself that I could do both. But in trying to do both, I wasn’t able to conquer either of my dreams.
Wednesday, May 11 I chose the dream to be a stay at home mom. Wednesday, May 11 I chose Drew and Gabby.