Inner Battle

March 28, 2011

Last week I spent three out of the five days of the week away from my family on a business trip. And much like most things in life, the anticipation of this time away was worse than actually being away. When I thought of not holding, hugging and kissing my kids, I just ached with pain and guilt from going away. Once I was away, I actually enjoyed not cleaning up the kitchen at night, making the bottles for daycare the next day and having some peace and quiet in a hotel room just to myself. Of course once I got home I felt like my children had grown and changed in the three days I was away and felt horrible all over again! April 7 thru 11 Mommy and Daddy are going on a trip to California away from the kids again. I have entered the anticipation part of the departure. I’m having anxiety based on all that I need to do before I leave. I’m feeling dread over leaving them and not seeing them for five days. I’m a nervous wreck over my parents managing these two crazy rugrats. At least with my trip last week, I had no choice but to go away for work. Why would I self-inflict time away from my amazing children? Why would I do this to myself and mostly them? If I could be the kind of person that just chalks it up to being a necessary trip for adults to occasionally have, I would be deserving of a vacation. However, I’m so clearly not the type of person that just lets the stress roll off my back. Maybe that shows I need a vacation more than anyone. If I felt that I was really getting a vacation, I might feel differently. But to spend weeks before dreading my departure, time away concerned about the children, and weeks after feeling guilty for being away, then I really don’t even deserve this trip. When I was away for work, I ultimately enjoyed the peace and quiet once I was settled. I need to spend these weeks prior to the trip getting excited for the vacation. I need to spend the time during the trip enjoying life as an adult. I need to spend the weeks to follow relishing the time with the kids since I was without them. Now that my brain knows what I should be doing, how do I get my emotions on board? Once again the constant battle I have with myself…

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