Leap of Faith

My days at home are numbered and as I taste the bittersweetness I’m burdened by the undecided questions of who will care for one of my most precious possessions. Mixed feelings of excitement in reentering the workforce are clouded by concern over entrusting a stranger with the well being of my delicate, wonderful little baby. And as I enter into the last Tuesday at home, I have no choice but to buckle down and make the difficult decision. Horror stories of nannies gone wrong, overworked, overstretched in-home daycares and overpriced, impersonal centers are keeping me up at night. Unlike with Drew, I’m borderline excited to go back to my job. Not because I haven’t loved every second of the time I have spent with Gabriela. Not because I’m looking forward to being overstretched and balancing parenting, work and housework. I’m looking forward to my job because it feels good to do something that makes me feel confident. So much of parenthood and rearing these beautiful children is coupled with doubt and insecurity. When I interact with a doctor and I know I’m doing a good job, I walk out feeling confident and happy in a way that parenthood is sometimes lacking. Don’t get me wrong, the benefits of parenthood and moments where you realized you have done well by them is far more rewarding than anything a job will provide. And although I’m sure I will be writing about how sad I am to not be home anymore, or how I can’t do it all and wish I could eliminate my work life because it’s the most expendable of the tasks on my plate, I’m going to just enjoy my plunge back to the workforce for now. Unfortunately it just leaves me with the open ended question of who will care for my child the way I would? I had thought my gut would guide me but my gut has led me to a big question mark. How does anyone feel good leaving behind what matters most to you? How can my fears ever stop clouding my logic? As my days are winding down I’m going to be forced to take the plunge one way or another. As I take my leap of faith, wish me luck!