August 6, 2015

I idealized the concept of motherhood so much. I thought when I became a mother any selfish life I had before would be gone. I would switch modes to an over-zealous, over-achieving mother that only wanted to do for her children. What I didn’t anticipate was having such a strong will to keep my sense of self. 
My mother is the best mother. I understand everyone probably feels this way for their mothers but mine really is. She is the most self-less, giving person. And I grew up seeing her but also receiving all the things she gave me. In my mind, I was going to be equally (if not more since I am so very type a) as self-less when I had my own children. Fast forward to present day, and I don’t even come close to my mom. 
There is definitely the argument that my mom went overboard, and she absolutely (and still does) did. There is also the fact that there is not a switch on me. I spent my life having her give me everything, that it’s no surprise that I am a tad…selfish. So just because I had children, didn’t change me into a different person. 
The problem I have is accepting that I could be a half way decent mother despite this constant nagging feeling that I could be doing more…by sheer virtue of the fact that I sometimes put myself or my needs in the equation. Although I understand that many of you will tell me that I’m being too hard on myself, I still am constantly disappointed. 
“Happy wife, happy life.”  I recognize that it’s fair to want to still go out, have my outlets and enjoy things separate from my children. But there was this feeling that my mom always had, that there was nowhere in the world she’d rather be than with me. I’d be lying to you and to myself if I said that was how I felt. There are glimmers where I am able to step back and feel a speckle of that. Sadly, though, it’s often few and far between. 
I always wanted to be a mom. And now that my dream has come true, I’m so grateful (please don’t get me wrong). I adore my children and cannot imagine my life without them. Yet, I’m still holding on so tightly to my seperation from them too. And for that, I’m not sure I’ll ever come to terms.


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