Sense of Self

Having children is selfish. If we just wanted to impact a child’s life, we’d go all Brangelina and adopt a slew. There’s a desire to create a living breathing thing that is half of each of you. She has my eyes, he has his nose, etc. There’s something binding about procreating in a way that a license will never quite be. Therefore, having children comes from a place of complete selfishness.

That being said, from the moment that baby is implanted (and sometimes before) everything about your self shifts to being about them. And it doesn’t stop until, G-d willing, the parent is no longer alive. When you are pregnant, everything you consume is with the baby in mind. As they years go on, every decision you make is about or for your children. It’s very possible to lose any semblance of your self.

This past weekend I saw someone who has a new baby. They showed up late to a party, wearing what looked like pjs, hair unwashed and pulled back. These were otherwise put together people in their pre-baby life. The baby, however, looked clean, well dressed and happy as can be. When you have your first child, it’s extremely easy to get so wrapped up in that child that you lose any sense of self you ever had. With subsequent children you are less likely to lose your bearings, of course you probably have even less sense of self since you are now divided amongst even more children, but you can’t afford to lose it all together anymore because there are other(s) to take care of.

With my first, I worked. I felt that any sense of self I had, had to come from my job. Those four (or however many) hours a day I had for my child, should be all about my child. I felt guilt for anything, including a basic potty break, taking me away from him since I was already absent for so much of the day. Once I retired and became a full time mommy, the challenges shifted. It was hard to dedicate every waking hour to my children without anything that gave me a separate sense of self.

Now that my children are developing lives for themselves, I’m rediscovering my sense of self. I have the opportunity to think about what interests me and what I want to do. I cherish my time at the gym, I get away for my manicures, belong to a few dinner/mommy clubs and I have recently taken up mahjong. I’m a little more in the groove of putting my children’s needs and wants in front of mine but I can still manage to shower each day, take care of basic things and find some time for myself.

But then you realize that the partner that you selfishly created a human being with is also someone you need to re-establish a sense of self with. We are at our best when we are with our five person family but we need to maintain a good place being the two pioneers of this family. Therefore, we have spent the last year placing a high priority on date nights and going on with friends on Saturday evenings. It’s given us back some of the fun times we used to have the two of us, before our focus shifted on the others.

As I glanced at the first time mom who looked like a shower was something she dreamt of, I wanted to explain to her how fleeting this phase is. She probably aspires for a night full of uninterrupted slumber and barely can remember what it’s like to not have another human being permanently attached to her. To tell her to enjoy this phase would sound condescending, I know – I’ve been there. But in some time in the not too distant future, she will have the opportunity to redefine her sense of self. It is extremely gratifying to be able to do so even if my life is completely otherwise wrapped up in my kids.