I’m Haunted

September 19, 2013

Why is it that bad things happen to good people? That thought haunts my mind. That thought makes me hold on tighter to my kids before they leave my grasp (as if I can protect in my arms). That sentiment makes me beg everyone to drive safely (as if the words alone will keep them safe). Every time I hear a horrible story of love and loss I take some of that with me.

My mother and grandmother are master worriers. They were constantly up in arms my whole life about some issue or concern. I was NOT going to be like that. I was not going to cry at the drop of a hat. I was not going to become hysterical at the slightest suggestion of something bad. I was going to be “stronger” than that.

Since I have grown up and procreated, a switch inside me changed all level-headed normal thinking. If I can’t get a hold of Adam during his car ride home, it couldn’t possibly mean he’s on a work call or didn’t hear the phone. Rather, something horrible happened. This is exactly the kind of thinking I criticized my family for. I’m uneasy with so many things regarding my children’s advancement in life (play dates, car seats, etc.). A couple of days ago Gabby ate a hot dog and took too big of a bite. I begged her to spit it out, and she wouldn’t. The hysteria I felt until that processed meat in thick casing made it’s way down her throat is completely ridiculous. Who have I turned into?!?!

Certainly this is not the first blog where I confess to irrational thoughts regarding my loved ones, nor will it be my last. The more I see young friends struggle with Cancer, kids diagnosed with diseases and maniacal people shooting up facilities…the more unsettled I become.

We can’t live in a world where we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Our ancestors have lived that way for so long. You can’t fully enjoy your life if you are always walking on egg shells. But at the same time, how do you give up this thinking when your constantly exposed to tragedy?

I pray for my friends that are up against hardship. I pray for my family that we stay healthy, safe and strong. And I pray for myself that I don’t lose my mind carrying around a world of burden.

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