Five weeks apparently is my threshold. It’s hard to remember where my breaking point was with each of my other babies. For Drew, I remember leaving my six week checkup and crying so hysterically my mom left work and demanded I take a much needed nap. For Gabby, my memories are much cheerier but she was a good sleeper from the get go. I kept hinting to the fact that my inner beast would make an appearance due to my sleep deprivation. And low and behold she finally made a cameo.
It starts with the lack of sleep but it becomes about every other thing in my life after having a new baby. It’s not that I’m not happy with our new little bundle of joy. It’s that I’m ready for my life to go back to normal. I’ve finally reached the point where I am no longer enjoying my time hibernating at home. I’m dreaming of a trip to Target. I’m tired of playing for hours on end in my house. All our new toys from the holidays have become old toys and I dream of an excursion even if it is to kiddy land of over stimulation and endless germs.
Those of you that have never had kids are probably wondering if I want these things, why don’t I make them a realty?! It’s two fold. One, I’m trying to keep Noah at home as much as humanly possible (yes, this may seem completely neurotic but we are having horrendously cold weather coupled with a flu epidemic!) Separating from Noah means I have two hours with the whole nursing thing. In some worlds that may seem like a substantial amount of time to do something. In realty, it’s like two seconds when you are lugging around other kids, situating to get out of the house or trying to just do things around the house in general (like a mere shower). And even if I were to forgo nursing while I’m away for some pumped stash, I need to pump in my absence (especially since I seem to be battling my second bout of mastitis sans fever thank goodness, google it if you don’t know what it is but it is downright miserable) which makes the whole outing that much more complicated!
The second issue is the juggling just to manage our basic life is so trying (once again, feels WAY worse with this constant nagging sleep deprivation). Even with the help of my mom, just managing who’s driving who where…how to get to the variety of activities without Noah…etc etc. is enough to make me die of exhaustion. I feel at times that we are in an intense relay race, tag you’re it!!
The worst part is that my amazingly supportive and loving husband is currently, and will continue unfortunately, to suffer the brunt of it all. Adam has gotten his life back. He’s back at the gym, meeting coworkers for drinks after work, running to the store to get the shirt he ordered, etc. So when I watch him happily snore away in the bed next to me as I’m up for the hundredth time with Noah, I can’t help but despise the man I normally love so much.
As if Noah heard my plies. He slept for three hours and forty-five minutes straight last night, we’ll call that 4 hours since it makes me feel better. And we’ll be grateful for what I originally thought was the world’s most annoying sound (like a mother’s heart beat) and thank this lamb for that.
As if Adam didn’t want to be smothered in his sleep, he left me this sweet little note in the morning.
As if Drew could tell my threshold was at an all time low, he totally cooperated getting ready this morning.
As if Gabby and Noah realized I needed some therapeutic blogging this morning, Gabby happily played on her own and Noah slept soundly in his car seat.
There is no doubt in my intellectual mind that I really do have it good. Unfortunately in my sleep deprived, highly emotional state, I don’t always feel that way.