Embrace the Mantra

January 23, 2012

I’ve been raised with this impending doom feeling hanging over my head. My mom is not to blame for this mentality. It’s more like a cultural thing. Maybe its from being a part of a religion that was repeatedly persecuted for their beliefs. Maybe somehow being neurotic is an inheritable trait. Either way I come from long lineage of insane worriers that couldn’t 100 percent enjoy anything good in their lives because it only meant one thing…doom ahead.

The leak started last week. At the moment it started, my vision got fuzzy and I felt a migraine on the horizon. I’d like to call it a coincidence but I know myself too well to allow that excuse. You would think I’d be able to handle a mere leak considering I’ve certainly survived much worse. Flight or fight sunk in and my body was opting for flight.

Fortunately my normal problem fixing skills came out the following morning. After meeting with our contractor and a roofer, I still felt unsettled and contacted a second roofer. After meeting with him we had a game plan and I felt much more at ease with the problem.

Then yesterday, after the work had been completed mid-week, we had a leak all over again. I managed to survive yesterday without a panic attack, or anything comparable, but I’m still not happy. I spent some time in my head analyzing my panic over this whole thing. I have determined that there’s something about an ambiguous problem such as this that makes me feel like, excuse the term, “the shit has hit the fan.”

I still can’t believe we found renters for our townhouse, that buying this house worked out so perfectly, that I am actually living the exact life I want to…something is bound to go wrong. Things don’t just align this easily. At least not for me. And I can blame my ancestors here and back for ingraining this feeling in me but at the end of the day the only one who can repair it is me. The only one who can not allow a potentially remedial circumstance to effect my health is me.

Just because I have the intellect to say I won’t stand for an attitude that something bad has to happen because so many good things have happened, doesn’t mean that I am emotionally equipped to handle it. And the feeling that I can’t handle something, be it a monstrosity or a minuscule problem, makes the go getter in me furious.

So put together an emotionally unstable person, with a driven type A person and you get an exhausted, not sleeping, person with a cold…all rolled up in one. Needless to say, this week is not off to a good start. Sure I haven’t had a good nights sleep in over a week, sure its gloomy and cold and sure I’m pissed about this leak. But I am putting my foot down. I’m inserting some of my husband’s attitude in my thoughts and I’m going to repeat this mantra over and over again until I actually believe it…”it’s not that bad, it’s gonna all work out and you will NOT spaz out about it.” Wish me luck.

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