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Hindsight | mommy's two cents


July 23, 2011

Kids asleep so I flip on the tv expecting nothing but some crap about some rich lady matchmaking or crazy housewives doing crazy stuff and I stumble upon my youth. I stumble upon a tv show that affected me to the core. Some people reading this may think I’m nuts for letting tv dictate my being but this show, in my opinion, changed a generation.

My So-Called Life. Jordan Catalano. Need I say more.

And as I’m watching, I realize that it could be the most earth shattering episode. The moment that I rewinded and fast forwarded so many times I may have broken the rewind and fast forward capabilities on my VCR 🙂 The song comes on, “she held her hand in mine…” as Jordan leaves his friends and walks across the hallway to Angela. She awkwardly runs her hands through her hair as he grabs her hand and they parade down the hall of onlookers.

I’m fourteen all over again. I’m awkward and anxious and ready for my whole life to start. This show put me back to that time so clearly. I’m in love with Jordan, I’m in love with the prospect of anyone liking me enough to walk across the hall in high school and take me by the hand, I’m in love with the idea that it’s all ahead of me (and for the love of G-d when is it going to happen???).

Then the episode ends and I’m sitting on my couch, in my townhome, with two monitors for two babies buzzing away. And I realize, it passed. The moment passed. I’m back in reality. I’m thirty years old and all grown up.

I’m left a little depressed. Not because I don’t love my life (for that matter I’m absolutely in love with my life in ways those other things could never fill me up) but because I spent those teen years being so filled with insecurities and teen angst that I may have taken for granted all those exciting feelings. I guess hindsight is always 20/20.

What I’ll take away from My Current So-Called Life is that I have to enjoy this chaos and this madness because some day I’m going to be depressed that it’s all behind me. If I can yearn for my adolescence then I’m for surely going to yearn for this time (which I’d like to note is the best by far).

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