The life cycle to raising a child starts with them growing inside you and going everywhere with you. Once they emerge, they take “baby step” progressions towards becoming an independent, capable person. If you do things right, each step in the rearing of your children is a step away from you, starting with their immersion into the world. Gabriela took another step towards her independence and is now sleeping in her big girl room. But then again I was the one taking the step towards going back to work. So we made two jumps at once. And although she is only down the hall, I can’t help but feel sad about her taking another step in the long road towards independence. Clearly a parent doesn’t do a good job raising their children unless they are able to move forward in the progression toward independence. That being said, I want to hold onto her “babyhood” for as long as possible. As life gets more chaotic with every passing day, I want my baby to still need me. And now there are other people caring for her, making sure her needs are met, providing for her in ways that I exclusively did while on maternity leave. I know all these steps forward are good for us. It’s good for our family to be back in a routine, it’s good for my self esteem to be back at work, and it’s good for Gabby to grow into a baby whose discovering her independence from me. It doesn’t make these steps any easier for the mommy. It doesn’t make it any easier for me to leave in the morning to go to work. It doesn’t make it any easier to know she’s tucked away in her crib down the hall. And fortunately I’m able to call and check in on her while I’m at work. But it will never be the same as having her lay on me during the day or calm her down when she’s upset. And after the first night of having her sleep down the hall, I realized I had to let go a little. I had to accept the fact that I will no longer know every detail of her day or hear every cough in the night. And maybe we would all be better off for that. However that didn’t stop me from overnighting a video monitor for her bedroom. Is there anyway I can install a video on her sleeve for while I’m at work too?
I love reading your honest and sincere feelings. You always express things so well!