Walking out of the closet…

I am officially out of the closet! The world may now know that I am pregnant. For so long I had to live in secrecy – at first secrecy from friends and family and then finally work. It’s so hard to have something this exciting happening in your life and not being able to share it. Plus, I experienced such anxiety at the prospect of sharing this news with work that it ultimately took away from the thrill. I expected to have such relief in telling my boss this secret but instead I couldn’t shake the feeling that now it is real. I no longer have to hide my belly, I can flaunt it. I no longer have to cringe when someone asks about my pregnancy, I can celebrate my news. I no longer have to police my facebook page with fear of someone exposing me, post away! Yet I don’t feel any different. Maybe I still feel uncertain because now I really have to prove my commitment to my job because I have one strike already against me? Maybe I still feel worried because I now have to accept that I am bringing another life into the world when my current baby is still a baby? Maybe I am anxious because I have so little time and availability for the things in my life currently and I am stretching myself even thinner? Or maybe I have been so wrapped up in the repercussions of being pregnant that I forgot what it is like to just embrace it? I consciously know that I am happy to be pregnant, I’m happy to give Drew a sibling, I’m happy to be expanding our family but I’m nervous. It could be that I would be nervous no matter what. I’m going to find something to be anxious about even if there wasn’t any good reason. Or it could be that having another child is nerve-racking bottom line. The unknown is hard. I never knew how wonderful life could be with one child, yet I was still nervous. Now I’m walking into the abyss of life with two children. Perhaps that’s part of it though. I now know how difficult it is to care for one little baby, and now there will be two! Two little tushies to clean, two little snotty noses to wipe, two little personalities to manage and two little beings to love. It’s hard to imagine that my heart could grow to love anyone else because it seems to swell with love for this little boy. But I have faith that I will find the energy inside me to do everything necessary to care for another little bugger and my heart will accommodate that task too!!